Thursday, July 17, 2003 :::
 

Many Thanks to G.T. at Majorgeeks.com


I want to hurt my computer.

I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently.

When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.

I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him.

This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the line, of course. And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the caressing voice always claims.

I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have your money, so we couldn't care less. Our technical support department consists of two college kids, both of whom are busy playing Doom or Medal of Honor. Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who
doesn't speak English." After which I will be transferred to "Level 2" to repeat my story to someone without a script to follow.

I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed "illegal function" and
issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. Do you want to GPF? What happens if I don't? It does it anyway! When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me.

I want to buy a family license for my operating system. As I get more and more computers in my Home Network" I can't see sending Bill Gates $200 for every one of them. They only cost $300 apiece anyway, should his Windows cost 70% of the whole rest of the technology in the box? Doesn't he generate $12 billion per year in cash flow PROFIT? Doesn't he have $50 billion CASH stored away in the bank, looking for a place for it. I know a place.......!?#

I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words,
isn't it? Is it too much to ask for my printer and scanner to work after I upgrade my software. It is the same printer as before. Same scanner. What if I bought a new car, and now none of my tools fit the bolts.

There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them. When they carry their car to the mechanic for a tune-up, when they get it back, they have to replace the fuel,
the oil, change the tires and their radio and air conditioner do not work unless they activate the laser cut, electronic key, again.

How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work?

Today's virus seem to be more sofisticated than before. I would like to discover that the Music industry is creating virus to stop trafficing in MP3s. That a huge class action suit is brought by the public at large, and Music distribution as we hate it comes to a halt, its back is broken. Only then could the musicians win
and get out from under the hold of a few miserly companies, distribute music fairly and profitably, and the world would be a better place.

Otherwise, virus will grind to a halt the use of computers on the net, period. No more e-mail, no more banner ads, pop-ups, spys or spy ware, ads or ad ware, no more multi computer homes, home networks, need for broadband or ISP's, spam or spam killers. This industry that feeds on itself will implode on itself.

Thank you, BMG Music.

I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.

I am really tired of hearing about all the things that happened with Y2K. Why didn't anybody ever ask these computer programmers how in the world they didn't know the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people - what did they need - a memo or
something?

I bought a program that was supposed to tell me if my computer files are Y2K-compliant. The program wouldn't work because - get this - my CD-ROM player is too old (I bought it 34 months ago). The manufacturer doesn't sell an "updated driver." Thus, to find out if my computer is Y2K-compliant,
I need to buy another computer.

I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188 "matches" to my keyword. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located the product you want. It's on Earth." Or why when I copy a group of files, it will be finished in 256,489,182 minutes. Or even where Windows searches, it
can't even find ONE file.

I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent. That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds.

Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes" my floppy drive! How could they not recognize each other? They live together in the same little tower!

WHY can't we decide whether to buy DVD+ or - R or + or - RW ? 802.11 a, b, or g? What was wrong with c, d, e or f ? What media reader should I buy that will accept my next camera's memory card? Will I even need a Floppy Drive in the future? Some drivers still come on a floppy!

Please understand, I don't hate my computer...I just want to hurt it every once in a while!

::: posted by Curtis aka exeter_acres at Thursday, July 17, 2003

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